Resentment

Resentment:  The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

Is it normal to be thankful, yet feel resentment toward other things in your life? I know that I am truly blessed to have my health, to have healthy children, to have a good job. These are things that I will never take for granted. But lately I find that I feel angry inside. I feel like I am fragmented, that I have put all of my eggs into the baskets of my responsibilities and not my dreams. But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

People often dissapoint me, and I find that no matter how hard I work to keep my life drama free and uncomplicated, I can’t seem to stop some of that from slipping through. How do I deal with it? I don’t. I won’t. I absolutely refuse to let any negativity impact me. I don’t like watching the news, and lately negative television shows hit my "no" list. I don’t even like discussing negative subjects. I just shut down and I know that really makes the people in my life frustrated. but it's the best I can do.

My feelings are not easily exhibited. I don’t let my anger and disappointment show like most other people do. I do most of my releasing through my writing and my art. I often let songs say how I feel for me. I'll listen to a song over and over if it reflects how I feel in the moment. Unfortunately, when I don’t get to do write or draw as often as I would like, it really eats me up inside.  That’s where the resentment grows and manifests inside of me.

The truth is, I just want to create. Not getting to put 100% of myself into doing this things has left me…resentful. I can’t help it, no matter what I do, that knot in my stomach twists at the thought of the time that I spend driving to work, and being at work. I could get so much done with my writing and art if I could spend that time focused on just these things.

But life is life, isn’t it? I have to continue to spend what time I can doing the things I love, because not doing them would devastate me. Someday, when the time is right and it is meant to be, I will get the opportunity to write and draw, not in my free time, but as my labor of love.