Inky Depths - A poem by Tanya Tenorio

A poem by Tanya Tenorio 08/10/18

Inky Depths

Today I am a deep lake filled with conscious melancholy
And you are the fish lost in its inky depths

You try with endless patience to find the surface
But even there at the top is a vast abyss 

Oh but the torment you feel from my dark and lonely lake
Because we know it's all in my head

We know this lake so dark and cold will drown you
If you do not get out instead

Copyright Tanya Tenorio
Poetry and art by Tanya Tenorio dba Tanya Chamain

My Inner Teenager

Why do I gravitate towards YA books, TV shows and movies?

Do you remember being a teenager? I do. I remember thinking and saying things like, I will never get old, or that I will never be like my parents, or that I will never use math. All of these turned out to be completely false. Like all teenagers, I was a fool and I learned after I had my own kids what that smirk meant on my parents face when I would say these things.

I was a very melancholy teenager. I listened to sad music, alone in the dark and often cried. I haven’t change too much in that respect. I still do this as an adult. I was also a huge fan of Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, My So Called Life. This is also something that I never grew out of. If there is a book, movie or TV show about teenagers or young adults, I get hooked.

I don’t think that we ever lose that teenager we once were. He or she stays with us. We hang on to those high school and college experiences and they mold us. We are always striving to be what that teenager wanted us to be, or hide from the things that broke that teenagers heart. Because face it, nothing hurt as much as it did when you were a teenager. Every experience was magnified tine ten, good or bad.

The trick to being a happy adult is learning to let go of all that emotional baggage we brought with us from high school, only to have to live through it all again through our kids! Adult life and survival has made all the teenage fun and drama seem like a cakewalk. Maybe that’s why I am so fascinated with 13 Reasons Why, Mean Girls and Pretty Little Liars type entertainment now. My inner teenager still needs her fix. 

Time

I truly feel like I am at an impass. Time is the enemy. There isn't enough of it. I never thought this day would come but here it is...and everyday it comes like the day before. The day that I realize that time is precious and it slips through your fingers like water. No matter how much you try to hold on, it finds it's way out of you grasp.

Too Much To Do

It's just wrong that it takes me a full Saturday to get over a 5 day work week. It's amazing what stress does to the body and mind. After a long week of work stress and rush hour traffic, all I want to do is stare at the TV. I don't want to dress, think, talk, or make any decisions. Add to this the three evenings spent at the high school for various commitments, and the stress of my son's grades and future, I can barely function come the weekend.

So where in this madness does art and writing fit in? Well, when you don't have any down time, everything else is a chore. How sad is that! Envy is an unhealthy emotion, unnecessary negative energy. Still, it's hard not to envy those who have so much time, those raised with money, who don't have to worry about bills, don't have to work, or can do whatever they want. How little the Kardashian and Jenner kids know of struggle and putting dreams aside for the well being of others. Yet, they are admired for their accomplishments. It's very confusing, what is there to admire about people who were handed everything. It's easy to make cake when all of the ingredients we already there for you.

  



 

Time Flies!

I never thought I would be the kind of person that hated getting older. I didn’t have issues about turning thirty or even forty, but lately the aging thing has completely wierded me out!

I’ve been thinking about it. There is my job, a mostly stressful job. A job that I spend too much time driving to and from. A job that is not what I had dreamed I would be doing to earn a living. A job that I like, not love. A job that is necessary, stable, and provides for my family, yet I tend to have a lot of resentment towards the job that takes away so much of my time. Time I could be using to draw and write.

Now that time is so precious, I’m realizing that each day that passes is another day that I have not published a book! The sad thing is that if I could turn back time, be twenty again, I wouldn’t take advantage of my time. Back then, I thought I had all the time in the world. That old saying comes to mind, “If I only knew then what I know now.” If only…

Discouraged and Reborn

I told myself I wouldn't get discouraged but apparently, I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I got three agent rejections for my book, The Star Relic. They were polite, even encouraging but all I read was, NO! You suck and so does your book!

I worked so hard on the query letter. Still, it didn't win any of them over. Now, I can't  seem to sit down and write anymore. I have so much in my head, ready to be put on paper and that little voice, the whiny one, keeps saying, "Why waste you're time mate. No one will like it anyway." Did I mention that my little voice has an English accent?

I finally started writing again. I have about for stories going right now that are not complete, and two that are. I think they are all great stories. I'd read them and I read a lot! The Star Relic is an amazing story about shape shifters. Who doesn't like shape shifters? I specifically queried agents who wanted fantasy. I've gotten amazing reviews and feedback on this book from beta-readers, so now what? 

Well, I am not going to keep these rejections in my head or heart anymore!!! (I just pounded on the desk with a closed fist, which means I am serious and determined.) There are thousands of agents and publishers. I will keep sending queries and in the meantime I will self publish ebooks, join a few writing contest, and basically move on. 

I'm a writer, no one will ever take that away from me.

Courage

Time passes much too fast. It seems like I have been writing the same few books forever. I am still taking an advanced writing course. I love it, and it's helping my writing a lot. I'm in the second phase of the second round of editing my book. I have been working on The Star Relic for this course. The book was completed, and since then has been molded, and remolded, taken apart, and put back together again and again. It's been an interesting experience!

I can't seem to find peace with my story yet. As I have edited I realized I need more emotional impact, more energy, more action. I have been dissecting my story, and hopefully making it better for my readers. At first, my instructor had me split the book into thirds. I edited each part, then she edited each part, then I made changes based on her suggestions. It was eye opening to say the least.

Now the book has been divided into two parts. I recently finished editing the first half and I am waiting for my instructor's feedback. While I wait I am editing the second half. It's also time to start to research publishers. I need to research pick out three of them for my next assignment. That makes my stomach ache. That is the hard part isn't it? The part where you will learn and accept either being loved, or rejected. Am I ready for that?

This is my dream. To be a published author. To share my stories with the world. I'm scared but I'm not giving up. My journey continues...