Sunday, March 6, 2011

Overwhelmed and Teaser 3

Today is Sunday and I am sitting here in front of my computer staring at it and wondering what the hell should I do now? I read the “thanks but no thanks” query letter about five times just now. I know I have to write more but as I have been thinking about by book, nonstop for days upon days I realized…I'm not done. First, it’s way too long. I have to split it into two books. That means that I have a lot of work to do.

I already started on another book and I have about two short stories due for school. I need to try to get a non-fiction article published. At least it’s written but like I said, writing is the easy part.

So overwhelmed is the word for today and so is irritated, frustrated and uninspired.

I often find inspiration from music so that is where I started, listening to music and I hope that within an hour or so I will once again be so ensnared in the other world's that are currently entangled in my imagination that my fingers will be sore from writing it all down.

In the mean time, here is another teaser for my readers. This is a scene showing the internal struggle of her love for Jesse and how the main character struggles with what she wants to do and what she has to do.

I avoided leaving the entire summer. I figured that Jesse would take my leaving better once he started his senior year. It even worked out better that he was able to play football after all. His leg would never be one hundred percent but the doctor cleared him to play if he promised not to push it too far. Coach Reynolds was thrilled to have Jesse back, his leadership alone was valuable. The coach made sure that Jesse could play and that he did not push him too far. So Jesse seemed happy again but I was miserable.
We were hanging out at my place after a football game. I was moody, I couldn’t help it. I was contemplating my future, without Jesse. That reality was eating at me, everyday that voice pounded in my head. It's time to go, it's time to go. I needed to figure out how and when I was going to leave but thinking of it was making me feel physically sick. We hadn’t said much to each other all night, which was rare but the past few weeks the tension between us had gotten worse. Finally, Jesse shut off the television when Sports Center ended. I looked up at the blank TV screen as my mind stopped wandering and sulking in my grief. 
 Jesse looked at me and frowned. “What’s wrong with you lately?”
“What. Nothing,” I said defensively.
“No something’s wrong. I don’t want to sit around being uncomfortable with your obvious bad mood and I really don’t want to sit here and debate about it with you either,” he said irritably getting up from the couch.
I knew I was being difficult, grouchy, and annoying but I couldn't help myself. The grief was starting be unbearable as my time with him shortened.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were nominated for homecoming king,” I said. Not knowing why I even brought it up.
Jesse sat back down and shrugged. I didn’t add anymore and he looked at me suspiciously. His eyes narrowed and I could see that he was trying to measure my mood before he answered.
“It’s not a big deal,” he said and he leaned back in the couch again.
“Yes it is. You are a senior and a football player and homecoming is a big deal. You should go to the dance. I don’t want you to not do these things because of me,” I said angrily.
My tone even surprised me. Jesse smirked and shook his head. I did not have to read his mind to know that he did not appreciate my attitude towards him. I waited both patiently and apprehensively for his retort.
“Whatever Rayne. I didn’t say I wasn’t going to the homecoming events. So if that’s what your problem has been, you don’t have a problem anymore, so you can stop being a b,” he started to say but he stopped himself. I saw guilt flash on his face but then I frowned at him. He continued, “Is that what your mood has been about, me missing out on my life. Missing out on having fun because of you. I would hope you would save this personality shift and mood for something more important.”
I stared at him forgetting that he did not know why I was so moody. He didn’t know I loved him or that I was grieving over him. All of this trivial drama, I was making up as I went along. Jesse going anywhere or doing anything without me was bothering me, but not enough to pick a fight with him like I was doing. I just couldn’t stop myself. It was like I was opening a shaken soda bottle. Once I twisted the top off the mess was inevitable. Jesse was getting annoyed with me and I was thinking, maybe this was a good thing, so my mood took on new reason and meaning.
“It’s been part of it. I’m staying here in Sedona and so you are not spending time with your friends at school. Missing out on things you shouldn’t be. Both of us shouldn’t have to continue to sacrifice our lives like this. Time is passing us by,” I said.
He stood up. His face was blank but his eyes remained intense as he watched me. I could tell that he was calculating in his head about what to say and what to do. Finally, he shook his head and laughed and with that laugh anger washed across his face.
“You are unbelievable. You said you were leaving. Let me reiterate, I am not forcing you to stay here. I asked you to stay and you said you couldn’t so I dropped the subject. You owe me nothing, so leave. If you are so miserable, leave, but don’t take it out on me that you haven’t done what you keep saying you want to do.” He turned and grabbed his duffle bag. He looked down at me and I could see his lip twitching as he tried to stop glowering at me. “As for my friends and homecoming, no worries, that’s covered too. I asked Taylor Martinez to the homecoming dance,” he said bitingly condescending.
I stared angrily at him. I felt heat rush over my body and I felt my heart break at the same time. He stared at me, his face unreadable now. I guessed he was not sure what my problem could be or what to expect from me. I felt tears run down my cheeks defying my attempt to fight them back. Jesse’s brow wrinkled and he put his thumb and pointer finger to the bridge of his nose like he had a headache. He shut his eyes tight and a few long seconds later he looked up at me.
“Rayne, why are you doing this? You continuously remind me that we are only friends as far as you are concerned. That I need to spend more time with my friends at school and less time with you. You remind me daily that you are leaving, that you are wasting time staying here. You start badgering me about homecoming and then when I tell you that I am going with Taylor…you cry. You’re a million people from one day to the next lately. It’s frustrating,” he said.
I could hear the frustration in his voice he did not have to admit to it. I could see the confusion and hurt on his face as well. He was right. If all he was to me is a friend, why on earth would I cry about him going on a date? I wasn’t hiding my emotions anymore. It felt like I had lost the ability to hide them. I wiped the tears from my eyes and cheeks and took a deep breath but said nothing for a few more seconds while I composed myself.
“I am just a mess right now. It’s nothing that you are doing or that you have done. You should go to the dance with Taylor…and you should enjoy yourself,” I said as more tears defied me again falling steadily from my eyes.
Some composure, I thought frustrated at myself. Jesse started to come to sit next to me but I shook my head and he stopped midway. He took a step back as chagrin spread across his face instantly.
“Rayne, I can’t do this. You are making me crazy. I hate watching you be all miserable. Now you’re pushing me away. I need to go,” he said hastily.
All I could do was nod, not able to find the strength to speak. I didn’t know what to say anyway. Before I realized that I had made a mess out of things he was gone. I sat alone and cried the rest of the night. It was pathetic and I hated myself for being so weak and stupid. So human.

Hope you enjoyed it. May the elements surround and protect you.