Inspiration

Inspiration. There’s a word. I am always looking for things that inspire me. Things that make my stomach tighten or that make me feel as if you have butterflies in it. Something that, when I look at the world is suddenly good again, something that leaves me in awe of its massive unexplainable beauty. These things are all around me, but I forget to look, or I do not have time to look.  

Still, I realized that I was missing something in my life, inspiration from things that make me feel alive. I drove to the Wahatoya’s recently, into Cuchara, into the San Isabel National Forest. The Wahatoya’s pulled me in and woke me up. These twin peaks sat in my back yard for my entire childhood unappreciated to say the least. As each year has passed, I find myself missing the mere the sight of them.

I see mountains everyday just as beautiful and grand as the Wahatoya’s but that gets tainted everyday that I have to drive east to work, away from the beauty and majestic landscape to the west. Away from the obvious miracles given to us by the Great Spirit and into the man made, cement colored, unnatural landscape to the east. It seriously depresses me sometimes.

The Wahatoya’s remind me of a simpler, more peaceful life. A life that I think everyone deserves - a kind of life that has been stripped away by the obsession for power and need for money. For most of us the mere need to survive drives us away from simplicity because we have to. We have to be involved and be part of the madness so that we can take care of our families. We are given no choice because money rules, without it - you starve, you fail, and you can’t survive.

So in truth I spend hours a day on the freeway, to get to a job that is stressful and uninspiring. But…it pays the bills and unfortunately that is all that matters when you have mouths to feed.  don't get me wrong, I like my job, I like most of the people there, but I realized that I don’t love it. I want to create and inspire others. To draw pictures and write stories. So I took a trip to a place that made me remember what I really wanted out of life…fulfillment, inspiration and the chance do something that I love from the very pit of my soul.   

New book I am working on...Teaser number 1

This is the start of a new book. I am working on a few of them, the ideas float in my head and I have to get them out. I hope that all of you enjoy this and want to see more. That's the idea after all. Enjoy!



Chapter One

      I stood atop the north facing ledge on the western peak of the Wahatoya’s watching and listening for any danger or trespassers. The day had been long. Storms continuously gathered on the mountains and it had rained for hours. I was at thirteen thousand feet elevation so even in the summer the air was frigid up here. I was tired, cold, very hungry, and my skin hurt as each rain drop hit it.
      If I shifted I would be warm but more likely tempted to leave to hunt and I couldn’t leave. We were on high alert and guarding the mountains was our highest priority right now. I wondered if I could partial shift. Human body, fur to keep me warm, sounded like the perfect combination.
     Usually I could get my fangs or claws of my alter form to appear on my human form but not my fur. This was usually my reaction to high emotion, not so much a controlled occurrence, it just happened. I knew it was possible, I had seen the elder shifters partially shift before. Like me it was usually by accident but still possible. Caleb and I had been trying to partial shift since the first time we both starting shifting. Neither of us had been very successful.
      I concentrated hard feeling the tingle of power flow through my body. I called to my spirit animal but still tried to keep it from taking over my body one hundred percent. It was hard and exhausting to allow it and fight it back at the same time.
     “Come on fur,” I said quietly to no one.
     I felt the sides and top of my head tingle. I lifted my cold stiff hands to feel around, I had no ears. I moved my fingers higher on my head and located fuzzy ears up there. I snorted. I must look like Cat Woman. At least my ears were warmer now. Excited about the breakthrough I tried again, concentrating hard but nothing more happened except my ears were back to normal again.
     “Come on,” I growled with frustration.
     No one heard me complain. I’d obviously been up here too long. I was talking to myself now. I took a deep breath. I was a shape shifter not a multiple personality case. Well maybe that’s not right either. Technically in animal form I was different then I was in human form, more intense and aggressive I was told. So I guess I do have multiple personalities in a sense.
     I tried to concentrate again and this time I felt my butt tingle. I strained my neck to look back and of course there it was, my tail whipping around mindlessly. I felt light headed from the magic so I decided to give up on the fur coat. My sister Kallista was supposed to come and relieve me soon anyway. I had been up here for ten hours a few more minutes in the cold rain wouldn’t hurt. I looked at my cell phone clock.
     “She better not be late,” I mumbled shivering violently.
      I backed up to lean against the stone wall of the ledge trying to get a break from the cold rain. Lightning flashed furiously lighting up the dark gray sky around me. From here I could see for miles in the distance despite the rain. Not far from these peaks the sun was shining bright making the valley and prairies almost too bright to look at. I growled. My friends were probably out there, having a good time.
     Crashing thunder made me glance to the west and in the distance I could see a dark spot within the murky gray clouds. The spot danced gracefully and as it drew near I realized it had wings and they were fighting against the wind and rain and surprisingly winning. The spot was a crow and as it flew closer I felt myself getting hot. My blood flowed to my face as anger made me forget my lack of comfort.
     The large crow landed and cawed circling comically on the ledge a few feet away from me. I moved closer to the cawing crow and knelt down beside him.
     “Would you please shift? I’m not in the mood,” I yelled irritably over the rain and thunder.
     The crow vibrated shimmering gold and silver until finally it tuned into a beautiful eighteen year old boy. I would have smiled with pleasure at the sight of him if I was not so angry. Caleb was laughing when his transformation was complete. His thick black hair draped over his shoulders and he hugged himself as he shivered. He frowned and looked around. He was shirtless and his golden brown skin showed goose bumps as the rain fell on him.
     “I should have worn a jacket. It’s colder than I thought up here,” he said.
     “You should have worn a shirt,” I said sarcastically.
     “I was swimming. I didn’t have time to go home and change.”
     “What are you doing here Caleb? Where is Kallista,” I asked.
     “She is going to be late I guess. I was asked to come on guard until she got here,” Caleb said as he moved toward the wall at the back of the ledge for cover.
     I screamed out of pure frustration, “She is unbelievable. She only has a four hour shift to do. I’ve been up here over ten hours! Just wait until I tell my father.”
     Caleb rubbed his arms still trying to warm himself as I turned on him glaring accusingly. He put his hands up defensively.
     “Hey Mia, don’t kill the messenger. Someone has to patrol and I knew you would be tired so I volunteered when Jasper called me. I’m trying to earn some brownie points with him so I couldn’t refuse when he asked me to do this favor for Kalli.”
     My jaw tightened and I clenched my fists cutting my palms with my claws. I could feel skin break and the burn that followed as blood dripped and stained the wet rock beneath me. Caleb rolled his eyes which definitely did not help my growing temper as I wavered between animal and human form.
     “Come on Mia, calm down. Look what you are doing to your hands.”
      Caleb walked to me grabbing my wrists and putting them to his chest so I would relax my hands. My claws retracted instantly with his touch. I looked at my hands on his chest as they warmed against him. Blood ran down his stomach and I felt him send healing energy through me. My hands tingled and the bleeding stopped. He smiled making his deep dimples deep.
     “I wanted to see you anyway. No one lets us be alone more than ten minutes anymore and I would’ve done anything to be alone with you,” Caleb added.
His sweet words had little effect on my frustrations with my sister.
     “Are you telling me that my father called you,” I asked through clinched teeth.
     “Both. First Kallista then Jasper. He called a few of us but I am the only one that agreed to come up to relieve you.”
    “What’s the problem now? Did Kalli break a nail or will the rain flatten her hair,” I said turning to stare angrily into the distance. My own brown hair dripping wet. The distant sun looked warm from under this mountain’s clouds making me angrier. The twin peaks made their own weather. They did not care that it was summer everywhere else.
     I didn’t want to take my frustrations out on Caleb. None of this had anything to do with him and he was only trying to help me. But my sister Kallista had been getting out of guard a lot more lately and it was driving me crazy. Add to the fact that the two of us had always been at odds anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister but I didn’t like her very much most of the time. She was selfish, spoiled, and whined way too much for my patience.
     I felt Caleb come closer. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me close making our bodies meld together. I turned into him and faced him. His eyes were black and if you looked into them you could see they had silver flecks in them. When magic flowed through him the flecks of silver would sparkle making his eyes look like a little star filled night skies. I could get lost in his eyes.
     He kissed my forehead moving slowly to my earlobe, down my jaw line and to my neck. I giggled and his lips full and soft met mine. I let him kiss me a long time making the anger I felt for Kalli fade away into oblivion as the cold rain fell on us. I put my hands to the back of his neck pulling him closer and putting my fingers through his wet hair. He turned us and before I knew it my back was against the wall of the ledge.
     We kissed like we had never kissed before, mostly because I always shied away from him. This time I allowed my hands to drift along his shoulders and back lightly caressing every one of his perfectly formed muscles. He was absolutely breathtaking and I always found it impossible not to want to touch him but managed to refrain from doing so most of the time.
     When he finally pulled away both of us were breathing hard. I wasn’t cold anymore, in fact I was hot and I hoped he didn’t notice how much I enjoyed that kiss. He put his head on my shoulder and laughed.
     “What,” I asked pushing him away.
     He smiled mischievously making his Mario Lopez dimples deeper on each of his cheeks. Before I could complain he grabbed by hands in his and pulled me into a tight hug again. I let him hold me. Let him soothe my nerves like only he could do. I put my cheek to the center of his bare chest taking in his scent and listening to the rhythm of his heart. Nothing smelled as good as Caleb did to me. He smelled like the air after it rained on a spring day, green grass, and pine trees. When I allowed myself to let go of my inhibitions his presence filled my senses taking me to a place far away.
     “You make me crazy Miakoda. When I need you, I need you quickly. Even freezing rain on a lonely mountain top can’t keep me from the chance to kiss you like that,” he said into my ear.

Overwhelmed and Teaser 3

Today is Sunday and I am sitting here in front of my computer staring at it and wondering what the hell should I do now? I read the “thanks but no thanks” query letter about five times just now. I know I have to write more but as I have been thinking about by book, nonstop for days upon days I realized…I'm not done. First, it’s way too long. I have to split it into two books. That means that I have a lot of work to do.

I already started on another book and I have about two short stories due for school. I need to try to get a non-fiction article published. At least it’s written but like I said, writing is the easy part.

So overwhelmed is the word for today and so is irritated, frustrated and uninspired.

I often find inspiration from music so that is where I started, listening to music and I hope that within an hour or so I will once again be so ensnared in the other world's that are currently entangled in my imagination that my fingers will be sore from writing it all down.

In the mean time, here is another teaser for my readers. This is a scene showing the internal struggle of her love for Jesse and how the main character struggles with what she wants to do and what she has to do.

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I avoided leaving the entire summer. I figured that Jesse would take my leaving better once he started his senior year. It even worked out better that he was able to play football after all. His leg would never be one hundred percent but the doctor cleared him to play if he promised not to push it too far. Coach Reynolds was thrilled to have Jesse back, his leadership alone was valuable. The coach made sure that Jesse could play and that he did not push him too far. So Jesse seemed happy again but I was miserable.

We were hanging out at my place after a football game. I was moody, I couldn’t help it. I was contemplating my future, without Jesse. That reality was eating at me, everyday that voice pounded in my head. It's time to go, it's time to go. I needed to figure out how and when I was going to leave but thinking of it was making me feel physically sick. We hadn’t said much to each other all night, which was rare but the past few weeks the tension between us had gotten worse. Finally, Jesse shut off the television when Sports Center ended. I looked up at the blank TV screen as my mind stopped wandering and sulking in my grief. 

 Jesse looked at me and frowned. “What’s wrong with you lately?”

“What. Nothing,” I said defensively.

“No something’s wrong. I don’t want to sit around being uncomfortable with your obvious bad mood and I really don’t want to sit here and debate about it with you either,” he said irritably getting up from the couch.

I knew I was being difficult, grouchy, and annoying but I couldn't help myself. The grief was starting be unbearable as my time with him shortened.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were nominated for homecoming king,” I said. Not knowing why I even brought it up.

Jesse sat back down and shrugged. I didn’t add anymore and he looked at me suspiciously. His eyes narrowed and I could see that he was trying to measure my mood before he answered.

“It’s not a big deal,” he said and he leaned back in the couch again.

“Yes it is. You are a senior and a football player and homecoming is a big deal. You should go to the dance. I don’t want you to not do these things because of me,” I said angrily.

My tone even surprised me. Jesse smirked and shook his head. I did not have to read his mind to know that he did not appreciate my attitude towards him. I waited both patiently and apprehensively for his retort.

“Whatever Rayne. I didn’t say I wasn’t going to the homecoming events. So if that’s what your problem has been, you don’t have a problem anymore, so you can stop being a b,” he started to say but he stopped himself. I saw guilt flash on his face but then I frowned at him. He continued, “Is that what your mood has been about, me missing out on my life. Missing out on having fun because of you. I would hope you would save this personality shift and mood for something more important.”

I stared at him forgetting that he did not know why I was so moody. He didn’t know I loved him or that I was grieving over him. All of this trivial drama, I was making up as I went along. Jesse going anywhere or doing anything without me was bothering me, but not enough to pick a fight with him like I was doing. I just couldn’t stop myself. It was like I was opening a shaken soda bottle. Once I twisted the top off the mess was inevitable. Jesse was getting annoyed with me and I was thinking, maybe this was a good thing, so my mood took on new reason and meaning.

“It’s been part of it. I’m staying here in Sedona and so you are not spending time with your friends at school. Missing out on things you shouldn’t be. Both of us shouldn’t have to continue to sacrifice our lives like this. Time is passing us by,” I said.

He stood up. His face was blank but his eyes remained intense as he watched me. I could tell that he was calculating in his head about what to say and what to do. Finally, he shook his head and laughed and with that laugh anger washed across his face.

“You are unbelievable. You said you were leaving. Let me reiterate, I am not forcing you to stay here. I asked you to stay and you said you couldn’t so I dropped the subject. You owe me nothing, so leave. If you are so miserable, leave, but don’t take it out on me that you haven’t done what you keep saying you want to do.” He turned and grabbed his duffle bag. He looked down at me and I could see his lip twitching as he tried to stop glowering at me. “As for my friends and homecoming, no worries, that’s covered too. I asked Taylor Martinez to the homecoming dance,” he said bitingly condescending.

I stared angrily at him. I felt heat rush over my body and I felt my heart break at the same time. He stared at me, his face unreadable now. I guessed he was not sure what my problem could be or what to expect from me. I felt tears run down my cheeks defying my attempt to fight them back. Jesse’s brow wrinkled and he put his thumb and pointer finger to the bridge of his nose like he had a headache. He shut his eyes tight and a few long seconds later he looked up at me.

“Rayne, why are you doing this? You continuously remind me that we are only friends as far as you are concerned. That I need to spend more time with my friends at school and less time with you. You remind me daily that you are leaving, that you are wasting time staying here. You start badgering me about homecoming and then when I tell you that I am going with Taylor…you cry. You’re a million people from one day to the next lately. It’s frustrating,” he said.

I could hear the frustration in his voice he did not have to admit to it. I could see the confusion and hurt on his face as well. He was right. If all he was to me is a friend, why on earth would I cry about him going on a date? I wasn’t hiding my emotions anymore. It felt like I had lost the ability to hide them. I wiped the tears from my eyes and cheeks and took a deep breath but said nothing for a few more seconds while I composed myself.

“I am just a mess right now. It’s nothing that you are doing or that you have done. You should go to the dance with Taylor…and you should enjoy yourself,” I said as more tears defied me again falling steadily from my eyes.

Some composure, I thought frustrated at myself. Jesse started to come to sit next to me but I shook my head and he stopped midway. He took a step back as chagrin spread across his face instantly.

“Rayne, I can’t do this. You are making me crazy. I hate watching you be all miserable. Now you’re pushing me away. I need to go,” he said hastily.

All I could do was nod, not able to find the strength to speak. I didn’t know what to say anyway. Before I realized that I had made a mess out of things he was gone. I sat alone and cried the rest of the night. It was pathetic and I hated myself for being so weak and stupid. So human.

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Hope you enjoyed it. May the elements surround and protect you.

Teaser 2

Here is more of the encounter between my main character and the boy that she can’t help but be attracted to. Again, I wanted to get the reader to feel the desire that she both hated and liked. I wanted to get the idea across about how she struggled internally with what she was and what she wanted. I hope you like it.

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“Why did you come here again,” I finally asked.

“Well, first because I wanted to see you, to see your amazing green eyes again. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I find you interesting,” he said.

I was surprised by his confidence; he was not at all embarrassed when he said all of this to me. Most boys could not say hello to me without blushing or stuttering.

Jesse continued, “I am impressed by the fact that you are a talented artist, a straight A student, and you don’t care about the stupid things that most teenage girls care about. I want to get to know you and you are avoiding me.” He looked at me more seriously. “So, you left me no choice but to come here to find you today.”

Jesse looked at me and waited for me to respond. I didn’t know what to say to him so I resigned to nodding. We both stood there in silence for a few minutes.

Finally I said, “Thanks. For…you know, being nice to me and letting me be nice to you.”

Jesse turned again and leaned his head back against the wall showing his neck. His jugular vein throbbed and I could smell his blood a little more than before. That made me swallow hard and I had to tell myself to calm down.

My throat didn’t burn with thirst but something else stirred inside of me. I had not fed yet so I was a little weaker than usual but I was not thirsty enough for this kind of reaction. It wasn’t thirst, it was different. I tried to focus again repeating to myself to calm down, but his neck, it was so enticing. I wanted to bite into his neck, taste his blood then lick and kiss the wound. How sordid was that. I focused on his necklace, a wolf pendant. He pulled himself out of the lean easily, turned around, than started backing up to look at the building that he was leaning on.

“This is where you live,” he asked.

I turned to look at it too. It looked like a store front.

“I live in part of it, I was hoping to open a gallery, but I most likely will not be here long enough so those plans are out the door. I want to go to college maybe do some traveling,” I said.

“Ambitious too,” Jesse said but he did not look at me. “Where are you parents,” he asked.

“Dead,” I said. “I have an aunt that has custody but she travels a lot.”

Jesse glanced at me. I could see that he wanted to learn more but I hoped he would not ask any more questions about my living situation. I needed to seem as normal as possible. I thought about reading his mind to see what he was thinking but I could not bring myself to do it. I liked him too much to invade his privacy.

“My dad died too,” he said and he turned to lean against the wall again.

He looked sad as he confided this to me. I guessed the death was recent by the look in his eyes.

“Sorry to hear that,” I said and decided to change the subject. “So did your family move here?”

“No, I am staying here with my aunt and uncle…Xavier’s parents,” he said.

“You and Xavier are cousins,” I asked quizzically.

Jesse smiled then said, “Yep. Xavier is upset that I came here to talk to you too.”

“Well don’t let me be the person that comes between you and your family,” I said quickly.

“He will get over it. I teased him about being to chicken to talk to you so it’s his fault not mine,” Jesse said and he laughed. “Besides, he has a girlfriend.”

That hunger for blood in me that lingered but was always was controllable started to grow. It was becoming more a need then craving now. I could hear Jesse’s heart beat making his blood pulse under his skin. I could smell that faint smell of forest still but more and more, I could smell his blood. I imagined how good it tasted, how warm it was. I wanted him, and the need was confusing.

I bent down to pick up my back pack. Jesse stopped laughing and stopped leaning on the wall. He looked concerned or unsure whether or not he upset me or said something wrong. I looked at him for a minute and tried to say this without hurting his feelings because I needed to get inside and away from him.

I wanted to walk up to him and to put my face to his neck. I wanted to smell him, get close. I wanted to feel his pulse in my mouth, to taste his blood as I touched him and he touched me. My attraction to him physically was making the possibility of tasting his blood more tempting. He could live through it and I could mesmerize him afterward. He would never know what happened, I thought.

I snapped out of my sordid thoughts shaking my head in disgust. “Look Jesse, it would not have mattered if Xavier talked to me. I am not looking to have a relationship with anyone. I have to concentrate on school and well…other stuff. My life is drama free and I like it that way,” I said.

I tossed my bag over my shoulder and started for the door that led to my apartment.

“So you are turning me down, breaking my heart,” he said and he smiled. “I just find you so exciting, so… fascinating, Rayne. I promise you there will never be drama between us.”

“I’m flattered by your…fascination with me but I just can’t do this right now. Besides you can’t promise things like that,” I said and I started to back away from him.

“Wait Rayne,” Jesse said. “What do I have to do? You make it hard for me to breathe when you’re around. The truth is I’ve never felt this way about anyone. It makes me sad to think that we can’t at least be friends. I just want to be friends. I want to get to know you, that’s all. I promise.”

He moved closer to me. So close that I could touch him without reaching. My mind started racing, a voice in my head started talking. Grab him, entrance him, put your lips to his neck and bite. You know he will like it and so will you. I felt dizzy and I turned away from him disgusted by this new desire. He was overwhelming, beautiful and most of all, he was uninvited.

I regained some control and looked at him. I smiled slightly and shrugged my shoulders.

“We’ll see what happens alright. I’ll see you on Monday,” I said and I walked away.

Downright disappointment...

So, I have been told and have read over and over again that it is harder to publish a book then to write one. I have to agree. I have to submit query letters on a daily basis and hope that an agent or publisher wants to take the time, to give me a chance. My first query letter to my dream agent did not go so well, to say the least.

This was the response I received…

Dear Author:

Thank you so much for sending the Xxxxxx Literary Agency your query. We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" to find the right match.

Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.

Not horrible right. Well on that day this is what I read, “You suck and your book probably does too.” I was so depressed and almost every part of me wanted to give up and tell the dream I have to publish to go straight to hell and leave me alone! But after a day or so of moping and feeling like I would eventually drown in the metaphorical rain that the cloud over my head dumped on me, I decided that I was being completely foolish.

I heard JK’s own Harry Potter did not get picked up day one. So based on this and that the publishers who turned her down must feel like complete fools I hope that one day someone, somewhere, will give me an opportunity. Until then I will continue to move forward.

A Teaser...

So let me go back a few months or so... I say this because I really don't remember when I started writing my book. I just started and it flowed out of me like a wild fire on a hot day. I was consumed by it.


By the way, I've started on my next book and it takes place in Walsenburg. It's a much smaller book and for teens. Don't worry, I didn't use any real names!


Anyway, as you all know I started this dream late. Well “better late then never” I always say. Mrs. Hamilton (Now Lenzini) would be so proud. Once I realized that both my kids were at an age that I could actually do something for myself I jumped in and started swimming as hard and as fast as I could in the sea of my imagination.  


I pulled out old writings and ideas and started to look through all of them. I realized that I wrote a lot of poems and short stories as a kid. By the way, are all teen agers as depressing as I was? Anyway, I used some of these ideas in my current writings and right now I need more hours in a day. After work and for lunch I try to fit in as much writing as I can but it’s not enough at all. I have so many ideas!


Here is a teaser for all of my 2 followers of my completed book. It aimed at teens and young adults but I think everyone who likes fantasy will enjoy it.
This is a very small part of my book. Hope you like it….


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I was watching the sidewalk as I walked and thought about what Shelly said. Just as I looked up, I saw Jesse leaning against the wall by the front entrance of my building. I stopped and looked around to see if he was alone. He was, thankfully.

Unbelievable, I thought and I shook my head at him. Jesse shrugged his shoulders and smiled that smile that gave me butterflies when he did it. Despite the butterflies, I narrowed my eyes at him.

“What are you doing here,” I asked as I approached.

He took a few steps closer to me and I could smell him instantly. My stomach tightened, he smelled so good and so comforting. He smelled like the air, trees, and earth after it rained. That was his inner smell. Outside he smelled like nice cologne mixed with the sweet smell of human blood that pulsed through his body. I swallowed hard and blocked the craving that smell brought with it.

“I noticed you’ve been avoiding me and I came to find out why,” he said.

“I’m…not avoiding you,” I said irritated and I stepped away from him.

Jesse wrinkled his brow. “It doesn’t seem like that to me,” he said sarcastically closing the space between us again.

“If you must know,” I said looking up to glare at him directly. He was taller than me. “I am avoiding the attention you brought me, not you.”

“What? That makes no sense,” he said and moved just a little bit closer to me.

His smell overwhelmed me. It made me feel safe. It made me feel desire. I swallowed hard; he seemed to have this power over me. No one has ever made me so nervous and so excited before.

I cleared my throat. “I was invisible before you came a long and started trying to have conversations and be friends with me,” I said.

I put down my back pack and crossed my arms defiantly. Mostly to create space between the two of us. He was taking my breath away, making my head feel fuzzy. I felt an ache inside my body as our energies touched.

“So, I want to be friends, who cares,” he said.

 “Everyone cares. Haven’t you noticed that no one likes me? But they at least leave me alone so that’s fine with me,” I said.

Jesse stepped back a few steps from me and leaned his back against the wall. He was a very muscular. He crossed his arms and I had look to away before he saw the longing that I was trying to hide.. He was too attractive and I hated that I thought that about him. I hated that I wanted and liked to be around him. I hated that I imagined myself being held by those arms. I wanted to get closer to him, to feel the heat from his body on mine. His voice broke through my yearning.

“That’s not true, you are far from invisible,” he said and his smile widened. “Xavier likes you. A lot.”

I rolled my eyes at that comment. I could tell that my reaction pleased Jesse. The eyebrow above his right eye raised a little as he watched me and waited for me to comment on Xavier.

“He only stares. It annoys me to be honest. Besides he only makes the girls treat me worse. They are all so in love with him,” I sneered. “I mean, I show no interest in him at all and they still get all jealous and hateful. It’s ridiculous.”

Jesse shifted a little sideways so that he was looking at me but he remained leaning on the wall.

“So you don’t like Xavier,” he asked.

I looked at him and frowned. “No. I don’t like him. I don’t really even know him. I mean he seems nice enough and I would be friends with him but he never speaks to me. But no, I am not interested in Xavier,” I said.

“You do realize that it’s intimidation right,” he said.

“What’s intimidation,” I asked looking at Jesse again.

He looked at me more seriously. “You are. You are so beautiful that you intimidate everyone. All of them, the annoying girls and the obsessed boys. The girls deal by being mean and the boy’s just act like they don’t have a brain when you’re around,” Jesse said laughing.

“I can’t change how I look. I don’t bother anyone. Teenagers are weird these days,” I groaned.

I was saying this while I fought off a smile. He said I was beautiful and for some reason hearing him say it meant something to me. I have been told I was beautiful before. A lot of times actually, but when he said it, it made me happy.

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So this is a part of my book where my main character encounters the boy she hates to love. I tried to capture a time and a feeling that all of us have experienced in our lives. You know, meeting that someone that gives you those confusing but good feelings for the first time ever. I hope it did that for you.

The Attack of the Query Letter Butterflies

Well, I did it. I sent the query letter to the agency of my dreams. I have been following this agency for a very long time and I am so freaked out about it. First, I want them to say they want to read a few paragraphs of my manuscript. If I could just get them to read a few chapters, I truly think they would like it.

Second, I have to tell you. I have not felt this scared and insecure since I was a teenager. It’s awful, just like I remember, yet it’s even worse this time. This time it’s not about a boy, or a basketball game, or an algebra test. This time it’s about everything that means anything to me right now as far as my dreams go.

I am walking on a plank into the unknown. This has only happened to me twice before. When I left home at seventeen, and when I had my first child. I did not know what to expect in both situations but I moved forward with my head up. I will continue to do that even now with this brand new journey. It is here, in the world of writing and story telling, that I am utterly and completely still childlike. Eeek.

So I did it. I hit the send button and now I wait. I sure hope that these butterflies that are flying around in my stomach subside. Realistically, it could take a while to hear back from the agency and I don’t like burping up butterflies.

I wrote a novel...now what?

So I started writing a very long time ago. I wrote short stories, poetry, notes to friends, you know the usual. My favorite classes in high school and in college where of course, creative writing, art, and poetry. So what did I major in you ask, business with an emphasis of healthcare of course! What else? Guaranteed steady work...and it has been that. I have made a good career for myself, I support my family and don't hate what I am doing at all. It's a good career. 

But...what I really wanted and still want to do is to write and draw...you know create things. So badly that spent the past few years moping around because I wasn't doing these things. I mean I dabbled in writing and drawing for fun, you know, when I had time but still it was not satisfying.

I read a lot and that's what I did to fulfill my needs of creating. Finally, one day I said to myself, "Get this character and idea out of your head and on paper. Stop waiting for someone to magically make it happen for you." So I did. I wrote a novel. A vampire novel and I had two people in my target audience read it. They both loved it. I wasand am proud and excited that they loved the story. That they loved the characters and that they wanted more. More...

So now what? This is where I am. Lost. What do I do now? Well, I enrolled in a writing course to get more rounded and more "noticed" for short stories and articles. My teacher says I can tell a great story and enjoys them. That's all good but still, what about my book? It's sitting, waiting, wanting for a miracle to happen where it grows a cover and shows up on book shelves in book stores everywhere. Well that's crazy and the fact of the matter is, I have to make this happen..

So now I am trying to find a literary agent and I am freaking out. I don't even know if that’s what I should be doing but I have a feeling that I should try to get an expert to help me move forward. I'm going to write a query letter to an agent or ten, and I find this is so much more difficult then writing a novel. Go figure.

Wish me luck and I will keep you updated.