Inky Depths - A poem by Tanya Tenorio

A poem by Tanya Tenorio 08/10/18

Inky Depths

Today I am a deep lake filled with conscious melancholy
And you are the fish lost in its inky depths

You try with endless patience to find the surface
But even there at the top is a vast abyss 

Oh but the torment you feel from my dark and lonely lake
Because we know it's all in my head

We know this lake so dark and cold will drown you
If you do not get out instead

Copyright Tanya Tenorio
Poetry and art by Tanya Tenorio dba Tanya Chamain

My Inner Teenager

Why do I gravitate towards YA books, TV shows and movies?

Do you remember being a teenager? I do. I remember thinking and saying things like, I will never get old, or that I will never be like my parents, or that I will never use math. All of these turned out to be completely false. Like all teenagers, I was a fool and I learned after I had my own kids what that smirk meant on my parents face when I would say these things.

I was a very melancholy teenager. I listened to sad music, alone in the dark and often cried. I haven’t change too much in that respect. I still do this as an adult. I was also a huge fan of Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, My So Called Life. This is also something that I never grew out of. If there is a book, movie or TV show about teenagers or young adults, I get hooked.

I don’t think that we ever lose that teenager we once were. He or she stays with us. We hang on to those high school and college experiences and they mold us. We are always striving to be what that teenager wanted us to be, or hide from the things that broke that teenagers heart. Because face it, nothing hurt as much as it did when you were a teenager. Every experience was magnified tine ten, good or bad.

The trick to being a happy adult is learning to let go of all that emotional baggage we brought with us from high school, only to have to live through it all again through our kids! Adult life and survival has made all the teenage fun and drama seem like a cakewalk. Maybe that’s why I am so fascinated with 13 Reasons Why, Mean Girls and Pretty Little Liars type entertainment now. My inner teenager still needs her fix. 

Time

I truly feel like I am at an impass. Time is the enemy. There isn't enough of it. I never thought this day would come but here it is...and everyday it comes like the day before. The day that I realize that time is precious and it slips through your fingers like water. No matter how much you try to hold on, it finds it's way out of you grasp.

Too Much To Do

It's just wrong that it takes me a full Saturday to get over a 5 day work week. It's amazing what stress does to the body and mind. After a long week of work stress and rush hour traffic, all I want to do is stare at the TV. I don't want to dress, think, talk, or make any decisions. Add to this the three evenings spent at the high school for various commitments, and the stress of my son's grades and future, I can barely function come the weekend.

So where in this madness does art and writing fit in? Well, when you don't have any down time, everything else is a chore. How sad is that! Envy is an unhealthy emotion, unnecessary negative energy. Still, it's hard not to envy those who have so much time, those raised with money, who don't have to worry about bills, don't have to work, or can do whatever they want. How little the Kardashian and Jenner kids know of struggle and putting dreams aside for the well being of others. Yet, they are admired for their accomplishments. It's very confusing, what is there to admire about people who were handed everything. It's easy to make cake when all of the ingredients we already there for you.

  



 

Time Flies!

I never thought I would be the kind of person that hated getting older. I didn’t have issues about turning thirty or even forty, but lately the aging thing has completely wierded me out!

I’ve been thinking about it. There is my job, a mostly stressful job. A job that I spend too much time driving to and from. A job that is not what I had dreamed I would be doing to earn a living. A job that I like, not love. A job that is necessary, stable, and provides for my family, yet I tend to have a lot of resentment towards the job that takes away so much of my time. Time I could be using to draw and write.

Now that time is so precious, I’m realizing that each day that passes is another day that I have not published a book! The sad thing is that if I could turn back time, be twenty again, I wouldn’t take advantage of my time. Back then, I thought I had all the time in the world. That old saying comes to mind, “If I only knew then what I know now.” If only…

Discouraged and Reborn

I told myself I wouldn't get discouraged but apparently, I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I got three agent rejections for my book, The Star Relic. They were polite, even encouraging but all I read was, NO! You suck and so does your book!

I worked so hard on the query letter. Still, it didn't win any of them over. Now, I can't  seem to sit down and write anymore. I have so much in my head, ready to be put on paper and that little voice, the whiny one, keeps saying, "Why waste you're time mate. No one will like it anyway." Did I mention that my little voice has an English accent?

I finally started writing again. I have about for stories going right now that are not complete, and two that are. I think they are all great stories. I'd read them and I read a lot! The Star Relic is an amazing story about shape shifters. Who doesn't like shape shifters? I specifically queried agents who wanted fantasy. I've gotten amazing reviews and feedback on this book from beta-readers, so now what? 

Well, I am not going to keep these rejections in my head or heart anymore!!! (I just pounded on the desk with a closed fist, which means I am serious and determined.) There are thousands of agents and publishers. I will keep sending queries and in the meantime I will self publish ebooks, join a few writing contest, and basically move on. 

I'm a writer, no one will ever take that away from me.

Courage

Time passes much too fast. It seems like I have been writing the same few books forever. I am still taking an advanced writing course. I love it, and it's helping my writing a lot. I'm in the second phase of the second round of editing my book. I have been working on The Star Relic for this course. The book was completed, and since then has been molded, and remolded, taken apart, and put back together again and again. It's been an interesting experience!

I can't seem to find peace with my story yet. As I have edited I realized I need more emotional impact, more energy, more action. I have been dissecting my story, and hopefully making it better for my readers. At first, my instructor had me split the book into thirds. I edited each part, then she edited each part, then I made changes based on her suggestions. It was eye opening to say the least.

Now the book has been divided into two parts. I recently finished editing the first half and I am waiting for my instructor's feedback. While I wait I am editing the second half. It's also time to start to research publishers. I need to research pick out three of them for my next assignment. That makes my stomach ache. That is the hard part isn't it? The part where you will learn and accept either being loved, or rejected. Am I ready for that?

This is my dream. To be a published author. To share my stories with the world. I'm scared but I'm not giving up. My journey continues... 



Will it ever be enough?

A long time ago, a really good friend of mine once gave me a letter. It was song lyrics, and I keep it close to me still, years later. Everyone has something inside that eats at them. Something that tugs at their very soul. Mine is that I have wasted so much time. That I have watched other's allow themselves to experience life outside of the walls we all put up around ourselves. If you never take chances, how will you ever know?

Did I ever say that I don't appreciate my life? Probably not, it wouldn't be true. I never took as many chances with my life that I would have liked, because it was not just my own life that I would be taking chances with. I have accomplished a lot, at nineteen years old, I never would have believed I could. Still, I wonder. I stare up at the sky, I look far beyond at the mountains to the west to feel amazed, and remember that there are no limitations. I feel hope and the absolute need to succeed.

Success, means something different to everyone. To me, success means that I am able to do the things that I love, and that I am able to support myself by doing them. It is true you know, if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life.

So, back to the letter. The letter that I keep so close, the letter that I look at when I feel tired, when I feel like I have wasted time, when I feel like I have been left behind by adventure and chance. It ends like this...

You will never feel, that you have done enough
But you have, in the eyes of the world, you have done so much

...and it makes me cry, because I want to believe it.

Caleb from The Star Relic

This is a drawing I did of Caleb, a character from my novel, The Star Relic

Excerpt:

     Crashing thunder made me glance to the west and in the distance I could see a dark spot within the murky gray clouds. The spot danced gracefully, and as it drew near I realized it had wings. They were fighting against the wind and rain and surprisingly winning. I was watching a crow, and as it flew closer I felt myself getting hot as blood flowed to my face, and anger made me forget my lack of comfort.

     The unnaturally large crow landed and cawed, circling comically on the ledge a few feet away from me. I moved closer and knelt down beside him. “Would you please shift? I’m not in the mood!” I yelled irritably over the rain and thunder.

     The crow vibrated and shimmered, silvery sparkles surrounded him until finally, he turned into a beautiful boy. He was wearing blue jeans, brown work boots, and that’s it. I would have smiled with absolute pleasure at the sight of him, if I wasn’t so angry. Angry because he was here, and my sister wasn’t.

     Caleb was laughing when his transformation was complete. His thick black hair draped over his shoulders and he hugged himself as he shivered. He frowned and looked around. His golden brown skin showed goose bumps as the rain fell on him with no regard to his bare skin.

 

Everyone Has a Past

The stories in my head won't stop flowing! Here is another project I am working on. This one is a story I am writing about the life of Medusa. The life before she became a monster that is. I also thought that I would draw her for you (pre-monster).

Excerpt:
The woman in the mural was beautiful, with the most precious smile he had ever seen. She had deep brilliant blue eyes, like ocean water that you wanted to swim in. Her eyes sparkled of knowledge and happine...ss. Her hair was brown with golden highlights and in flowed elegantly past her shoulders to her waste. It looked unbelievably soft, even in this mural it seemed you could reach out and touch it, and as Ampelius stared at the mural her hair started to flow as if a breeze flowed through it. The mural was alive and he gaped at it with amazement.
The woman was wearing a priestess gown. He recognized it. All of Athena’s temple priestesses wore these white gowns. The gown made her skin glow, golden and radiant. Her skin tone was olive and you could see the kiss of the sun on it. It was as if the sun reveled in her beauty as well. She wore a crown of gold in the shape of snake with ruby eyes. A belt at her waist was a golden olive branch. Her cheeks were rosy, her lips were full and pink. She smiled down at him from the mural. He was drawn to the woman on the wall as she was amazing and unbelievably gorgeous.

 

Broken

Well Fans, once again I wanted you to see who I picture when I write. I drew this so you could see this character from my mind. This is Remi Torrez, from my novel titled Broken.

 

Here is an excerpt from the book:
Remi stared at herself in the mirror. The image she saw was the one from a year ago. A girl, bruised, alone, and tormented, stared back at her.

 

You can read more on my website www.tanyachamain.com

 

 

 

 

Resentment

Resentment:  The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

Is it normal to be thankful, yet feel resentment toward other things in your life? I know that I am truly blessed to have my health, to have healthy children, to have a good job. These are things that I will never take for granted. But lately I find that I feel angry inside. I feel like I am fragmented, that I have put all of my eggs into the baskets of my responsibilities and not my dreams. But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

People often dissapoint me, and I find that no matter how hard I work to keep my life drama free and uncomplicated, I can’t seem to stop some of that from slipping through. How do I deal with it? I don’t. I won’t. I absolutely refuse to let any negativity impact me. I don’t like watching the news, and lately negative television shows hit my "no" list. I don’t even like discussing negative subjects. I just shut down and I know that really makes the people in my life frustrated. but it's the best I can do.

My feelings are not easily exhibited. I don’t let my anger and disappointment show like most other people do. I do most of my releasing through my writing and my art. I often let songs say how I feel for me. I'll listen to a song over and over if it reflects how I feel in the moment. Unfortunately, when I don’t get to do write or draw as often as I would like, it really eats me up inside.  That’s where the resentment grows and manifests inside of me.

The truth is, I just want to create. Not getting to put 100% of myself into doing this things has left me…resentful. I can’t help it, no matter what I do, that knot in my stomach twists at the thought of the time that I spend driving to work, and being at work. I could get so much done with my writing and art if I could spend that time focused on just these things.

But life is life, isn’t it? I have to continue to spend what time I can doing the things I love, because not doing them would devastate me. Someday, when the time is right and it is meant to be, I will get the opportunity to write and draw, not in my free time, but as my labor of love.

Did you ever wonder what happened to the victims? Their stories were all over the news; everyone was talking about it, the tragedy, and the unbelievable circumstances. Then, a few days go by, and everyone moves on with their lives, talking about new tragedies and new victims. What happened to them?

Well I decided I would write a book about a victim. About how she is struggling with life after tragedy strikes, and changes her life forever. She hasn’t forgotten about the tragedy, in fact it haunts her every minute of the day.  

I added the first Chapter to my latest piece to my website. The novel is called Broken. Check it out at www.tanyachamain.com.

Move On!

I have been an observer and a participant in the many debates this year’s presidential election has caused. As a woman, a mutlti-racial person, with mutli-racial children, and a husband who is also multi-racial, this election has caused many sparks to my emotions. Top that off with a house hold with different religious preferences and backgrounds, you would think we would be arguing all of the time.

This however, is not the case. I love the fact that we have such a diverse history, present, and future. T What would this world be like if it were not this way. Boring!!! What is lacking in this country, the country I love, but often find disappointing, is respect. Many people have little respect and tolerance for those who do not think, look, and act like them.   

Matt Taibbi - Modern Republicans "have so much of their own collective identity wrapped up in the belief that they're surrounded by free-loading, job-averse parasites who not only want to smoke weed and have recreational abortions all day long, but want hardworking white Christians like them to pay the tab," Taibbi wrote. "Their whole belief system...is inherently insulting to everyone outside the tent – and you can't win votes when you're calling people lazy, stoned moochers."

We had people trying to secede because their candidate lost. I am seeing unbelievable disrespect for the office of the President of the United States. It’s quite shocking and disheartening actually. The election is over, it was fair and the results are that President Obama, is President again. And so what, let him do his job, stop being so hateful and negative already. MOVE ON!

Unthinkable

Last weeks football practice was filled with the normal people and activities, but just on the otherside of the fence, there were police, FBI, CBI, and volunteer search teams combing the nieborhood, the school just 100 yeards away, and open space were anyone could get lost. But as these boys practiced, this activity that surrounded them on the other side of the fence weighed on their minds and hearts.

A child had gone missing, she was supposed to have gone to school one morning, but never made it. The community pulled together to find her, but after a week of hoping, all hope was lost, Jessica would never come home again.

Saturday came with so much pain and fear. A community broken, asking why. But this football team wanted to show their support the best way they knew how. All of their touchdown bucket money would be donated to Jessica's family. They wore stickers on their helmets in her memory, and the oposing team's coach lead a prayer of support.

In the aftermath, we will all fear for our children until the person who did this is brought to justice. We will all be suspiscious of anyone who looks out of place, of anyone who seems to linger around schools to long. We will hold our chilren close, and talk to them about how to deal with a stranger who may approach them. We will have to answer questions to scared children about evil people, answers we adults do not have.

My prayers go to Jessica's family.

Excuses

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

- Benjamin Franklin

I hear excuses all day long. It gets tiresome really. I can expect this from children, but in my case, I hear them from adults and most of all from adults in laedership positions. At what point does someone like this stop making excuses, decide to take action, work with what they have, put in extra effort, and get things done?

I wish I had the answer, because in truth, I figure it out. I figure out to how to get things done and I don’t have the staff, or the time, or the resources, but I have pride. It is my pride that makes me analyze a situation and come up with a way to do what I have to do, with the resources available.

I feel that respect is earned, and when it comes to work and commitment to do good work, I think having pride it the best motivator. It perplexes me to see others who have so little pride that they have excuses at the ready, before the conversation even begins. They bring nothing to the table except more reason to doubt their benefit of having a job at all.

The Law of Attraction

I have been on a journey.

The first path I have taken is one of peace, inside and out. I am working toward new habits. The first one is to “let things go”. I can’t fix or change everything, but I can deal with them the best that I can. I will not obsess over the things that I cannot control, but I can deal them the best way that I can. I will not let myself obsess over the outcomes of my decisions, mistakes, or the changes in my life, good or bad. I will deal them the best way that I can, I will be at peace with that.

The second path that I am taking is that of positive karma and energy. Obsession: Focusing on one thing to the point that it consumes you, to the point that you forget everything else. When you do this you give so much of your energy to whatever it is that you are obsessing over. If you obsess about your fears, you give your fears power. If you obsess about someone or something you hate, you feed that hate, making it manifest and devour you. If you obsess about what you do not have, you will not ever get it.

The third path that I am following is to “agree to disagree”. People have their opinions, their beliefs, their faults, and that is just the way it is. I have my own opinions, beliefs and faults. We can share these things in a positive forum, debate our differences, but in the end after we have pleaded our cases, after we have explained our own reasoning and rationale, and we are still not on the same page…we all must just agree to disagree.

My best friend Nataline is a healer of the soul. She is the owner of Strawberry Moon Energetics and Holistic HealingOwner, Strawberry Moon Energetics & Holistic Healing & Traditional Medicine and Traditional Medicine. I went to her, not as a best friend but as I client, a student searching for balance. I learned that I have to change the energy within myself, to gain the things, positive things that I desire in my life.

The law of attraction is simple really. You attract into your life whatever you think about. Your dominant thoughts and emotions will find a way to manifest and become real. So I am putting all of my energy into my dreams, into all dreams, for all of the people in my life, pulling all things positive outward and inward though me so that I can heal and be happy.

Blessed be.

Where am I?

That's a question I often ask myself. My answer has been the same for a long time. I am not where I want to be. Not as far as the things I want to be doing that is. I have started traveling this road to my dreams late in life. So as my oldest son starts to move toward his, I am trying to move toward my own. A place in the near future.

I am moving toward this place that I have always envisioned myself being, and it feels like I am swimming in a pool of mud, pushing myself further, and harder to reach it. I am taking a second writing class, one that I was recommended for, that's a fact I am very proud of. It means that someone, a published writer (my professor), felt that my talent was worth moving forward.

My new professor is also a published writer and an artist. I could not have picked a better fit. So I am writing and dissecting one of my stories, so that in less then a year, I will be ready and prepared to look for someone to publish it, and to look for an agent willing to lead the way and take care of my best interests. That seems like a trip to mars on a pedal bike...but a trip I am taking.

So my friends, I end this blog today, listening to Creep by Radiohead. That's sort of strange isn't it?

Tragedy so close to home, makes it so much pleasurable to escape. I love to read, write, and draw. The violence in the world is so unreal, so sad, and so unecessary. But in the end, I found a story because of this tragedy. I found that, we all forget about the victims soon after the trial, and after the news gets old. The victims of the senseless violence are my inspiration, and I will publish this book for them. Remember the victims, not the monster who committed the violence.

I’m still writing, I’m still drawing, and I’m still not making enough time to do both! Still, I can probably recite my first manuscript word for word at this point. I have written it, then rewrite, after rewrite, after rewrite, I am rewriting it again. I have heard, this is normal and I continue to find errors, or things I don’t like, or that I want to change, or things I want to add. The manuscript is coming along fine though. I am fine tuning it, and once I submit it, I am sure the rewriting will have to happen again.

You can find me, on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and my website. I have spent a lot of time trying to get someone to see me, and give me the opportunity of a lifetime. I will continue to write, and imagine, and express myself. I will continue to do this, forever.

There are a lot of mentors out there with wonderful advice, but there are a lot of author’s out there too. Many of them I have communicated with, and I think many of them are so talented. I support those like me, and in turn have found the same support.  

The bottom line is that I love to create. I love to tell a story, and make people think outside of their little boxes. Make them fall in love with my characters, make them want more. Creating is all that I can do, to make me feel whole and happy. So I will continue to write and rewrite and one day, I will be positing my publishing dates for all of you!